Friday, August 31, 2007

The Man Code

A friend of mine forwarded this to me the other day. While it is meant as a joke, I found it kinda of amazing how many of these my friends and I put into pracice without ever having written them down.

Tole


1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

3. When questioned by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “BULLSHIT!” (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem - You didn’t see nothin’.

15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.

16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.

17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.

20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

22. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin’, then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”

29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.

31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.

32. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.

37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

42. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.

46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it’s free.

47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.

48. If you jiggle more than twice, you’re playing with it.

49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

He Likes It, He Really Likes It!!

My middle child (ye gods I hate that term!)...my oldest son (better) started preschool this year. We weren't sure how he was gonna deal, but he seems to be doing great. Turns out, school sponsored pre-k is a lot like kindergarden was for old relics like me.

All of our fears were laid to rest today when the little nard got right cheesed off because he doesn't get to go on Saturday and Sunday. All is right with the world.

Tole

Monday, August 27, 2007

Since When is the WWE Sci-Fi?

I'm done. I let them set me up again and just like Charlie Brown and that football, I am lying here on my back, looking at the clouds drift by and wondering where it all went wrong. Oh yeah, I screwed up and trusted them.

See, there used to be this little show on on the SciFi Channel called Farscape. I loved it. Then they got Stargate from Showtime and cut it after 4 years ending the series on a frelling season finale cliff-hanger. I cussed and screamed and stomped about my living room longing for a gnome to punt. They suckered me back in and bought a little forgiveness with a mini-series to sort of wrap things up.

So I gave them a second chance, but it took a couple of years.

I am a huge Jim Butcher fan. Well, I should say a Harry Dresden fan because I haven't read Butcher's second series yet. I highly recommend them. Any of the books stand alone, but they are best read in order.

The Dresden Files

Imagine my shock when I hear rumblings that they are going to translate them into a TV series. I was, to put it mildly, giddy. I think I might have even shuddered once or twice.

As with all book-tv or book-movie adaptations some changes had to be made, but the integrity of the series stuck around. It had good writing, good special effects, and even bore more than a passing resemblance to the stories I loved...for one season.

I see Lucy taunting me with that football and even though I know I'm gonna end up flat on my ass, I charge in anyway. I watch the whole first season...which I think was only 11 episodes or so.

At the end of season one, there ensues the controversy about whether it will be back. Two months of hemming and hawing and now the answer.

When I see that they can't afford it in a cost vs. ratings analysis and then I see that they've added WWE to the line up, I find my self once again looking for a puntable gnome.

So, with the exception of the occasional crappy horror/ "B" scifi flick, I am done with the SciFi Network. Not that they'll ever notice or even care, but at least I get to speak my peace.

Thanks for listening.

Tole

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Rate My Life

Thanks Lawdog...I feel better about myself now.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:
7.2
Mind:
7.5
Body:
5.7
Spirit:
6
Friends/Family:
7.1
Love:
9.1
Finance:
6.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Monday, August 13, 2007

I Ain't Skeered

A few weeks ago a recently punctured friend of mine brought by a couple of fishing poles for my 2 oldest kidlings.

Their Papaw had been wanting to take them fishing all summer, so this last weekend we took them down to the local fishing barge and let them wet their hooks.

We spent 4 great hours getting hooks caught in the brush, having sneaky little fishys swiping our bait, and we even reeled a few in. I think the final count put me and my dad's total equal to each of my kids alone. Apparently fish do have a soft spot for the young 'uns.

My son, who is 4 by the by, decided that he was going to handle his own fish. He took hold of the little slimy things and handled the throw back of any that were too small to keep. Promptly wiping his slimy hand on his shorts.

My little delicate flower of a daughter was not so eager. Fish detail was relegated to dad and me. I don't think either of us minded a bit.

By the end of the day the boy was even skilled at reaching into the minnow bucket and grabbing his own bait. However, he decided it was best for me or Dad to put them on the hooks, and after seeing the picture of his Unca' Lawdog I don't think he'll be playing in the tacklebox any time soon.

Dude...that was one coordinated maneuver.


My mommy sez I can't go fishin' with you at 4 am though. She wants you awake enough not to hook me in the honker.


Tole

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Isn't This Obstruction of Justice?

I may be a simple country boy. I might not be a law scholar, but it would seem to me that if I call ahead of our local LEOs to warn someone that they are coming, I get to go sit in the old vertical bar hotel right along with 'em.

I heard this mentioned on the radio today and had to go read it myself to believe it. I would suggest a liberal wrapping of duct tape around your head before you read it too. That way when your head explodes you can find all the pieces.

Here's the lead in.

SANTA ANA – Responding to a refusal by city leaders to declare the city a sanctuary for illegal immigrants, more than a dozen people gathered outside City Hall on Monday night to denounce recent immigration raids, accusing federal officials of "terrorizing" immigrant communities and breaking up families.

A coalition of local immigrant rights groups, including the Orange County Alliance for Immigrants Rights and the Front Against the Raids, announced a planned program to create a hot line that will notify people where and when immigration raids will take place. The program would also coordinate a support system for the families of deportee targets.

"We want to have a more organized effort to counter these attacks," said Jaime Conteras, a 20-year-old Filipino immigrant who now lives in Santa Ana. "We cannot let people trample on our rights."


Read the whole story here.

I have to go lie down.

Tole

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

My Heart Swells

I knew early on that the volatile mixture of my wife's DNA with mine was going to give us an interesting life together...I could never have guessed it would be like this.

I can remember an instance when my daughter was 2, that made me laugh until I damned near peed myself. I was in the backyard putting a mean case of char on a hapless chicken when my wife sticks her head out the back door and summons our little angel for a fresh coating of anti-skeeter spritz.

The little darling stops mid-stride. Hoists a matched set of rock-n-roll hands into the air and announces, "Here I come and hell's coming with me!!"

That hurts. She's been a fan of Ozzy since she had the dexterity to make a rock-n-roll hand sign and bang her head in her car seat. Isn't that special?

My oldest son, well, you can see what kind of a challenge he is going to be. His personal mantra seems to be, "If I can't knock it down with a head-butt I will respect it. If I can knock it down, i will eat it." OY! But when he isn't knocking stuff over, he can jump around with the music with the best of them.

My most recent moment of pride though was this morning and it came from my baby boy. Kid #3. I had the old Sirius radio fired up and was belting out a slightly off key rendition of Stroke by Billy Squire. I turn around to see the baby throwing his hands in the air and bouncing in time to the music.

For someone who gave up a music career to live in the real world, (how the hell did I become an accountant?) it give me a small measure of comfort to see my kids enjoying music too.

Tole