Now THAT'S Funny

Everyday on my way to work, or what passes for work, I listen to conservative talk radio while "drinking the blood of small people who are different from me." (Yes, I am an evil, hate-mongering conservative. Deal.) Glenn Beck being the show that is on at that time, it is how I start my day. Yesterday he was discussing the upcoming Academy Awards, and the discussion drifted to how Hollywood seems to be doing nothing lately but making message movies that aggrandize the liberal point of view and tear down America in general.

I was getting somewhat riled up and issuing my morning "damn straight"s and "hell yeah"s when he started talking about classic films and the way they would be marketed today. I almost wet my pants laughing, so I thought I'd share them with you all.

The two biggest issues in America today collide together for the first time on the big screen: Global warming and health care. You'll be gripping the edge of your seat as you take a journey with one Midwestern woman's wild escape from global warming as she flees into exile and meets up with three amazing friends with one common plight: They all need medical care and organs to survive. But a struggle to live without any universal health care coverage. Will a Democrat get elected in time to give them universal health care? Will the Government help and stop tornadoes caused by global warming, or will the evil Republicans give tax credits to the wealthiest 1% and let them all die? See the Wizard of Oz.

Power-seeking politicians have no mercy when it comes to starting war for oil, but what happens when technology expands beyond the atmosphere, when space travel is as easy as activating the hyper-drive? The endless potential for power and control of the universe becomes too much for evil politicians to resist. Entire planets are destroyed. Billions of lives are lost, and military industrial complex rules the universe. This summer see Star Wars.

When giant bank corporations have their backs up against the wall, they don't take it lying down. Follow one good local man's journey as he's forced by an evil corporation to jump off a snowy bridge and kill himself, only to have an angel save him and show him how horrible the world would be without him. If only everyone who was forced to commit suicide because of an evil giant corporation had an angel, which by the way don't exist -- save their life. See It's a Wonderful Life.

A common species with one uncommon characteristic, a tiny little difference in pigmentation has caused a world of hate. This winter don't miss the film that challenges conventional wisdom and shows black and white working together with all the gray areas in between. See Casablanca.

**giggle-snort**

Tole

A Basic Tejas Philosophy

When I was but a young little nard, my grandfather, GOd rest him, told me the most important thing about fighting that I have ever heard. "The Hell with fighting fair, fight to win."

After reading Lawdog's last post on the Taser C2, I think that the folks manufacturing that particular device could stand with a lesson or two in that area.

My Dad has restated and reinforced that philosophy in me for as long as I can remember. I think it is with that in mind, that he forwarded this to me and that I share it with you.

To all you old law dogs now just lyin' in the shade, current pistoleros
and other fervent Second Amendment believers: I would rather be your friend,
but if you are not interested in that, I am prepared to be a capable and
efficient enemy.

This is the law: The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible
victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield and skill
is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is
supplemental. As some wise man once said:

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall.

5. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. (but shoot first anyway, then call 911)

6. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded with, 'Because they don't make a .46.'

7. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

8. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

9. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

10. I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. To which I said I did. She said 'well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, 'of course it is loaded.' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of my house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and THEY ARE ALL LOADED.'

Well, That'll Teach Me

So I take the day off from work to take care of my family and how do they show their appreciation? They give me the crap they have. I guess I should know better by now.

Fever, stomach malfunctions, and lack of ability to remain upright for more than 10 seconds for 48 hours. I also got to have my first experience with IV fluids.

I need to give a nod of thanks to my boss for keeping me from getting seriously dehydrated. He asked that I get a doctor's note for my abscence from work. The request came from a phone call at 1:30 pm, and my regular doc closes up shop at noon on Fridays.

Running a fever, I called my Dad to drive me down to ye olde ER. Lucky guy that I am, my regular doc was on call and sittin there just waiting for me to show up. Vitals check, poke and prod on the old stomach and he retreats to the sink to scrub from his armpits down all the while remarking on how highly contagious this stuff is. Like I didn't know.

Then he checks the stats the nurse had jotted down...high pulse + low blood pressure + more than 24 hours since I last had the urge to pee. He rubs he chin, looks at the nurse and says, "stick him. One liter and push (something I can't pronounce, to make my stomach stop doing barrel rolls.)"

Took a little over an hour to get it all in there. But after it was all done, my headache was gone, my fever was down, and I felt much better. Still slept for 18 of the next 24 hours, but hey, what else can you do when you feel like death on a hot plate?

Tole

Please GOD Make it Stop!!!

About a week and a half ago, my kids all got this stomach bug that has been going around along with a nice case of pink-eye. By some sheer act of mercy, my oldest and I missed out on it.

I screwed up and mentioned that fact. Never, and can't stress this enough, NEVER tempt fate. She's a deceitful old bitch.

The baby got it again. Followed a day later by my wife being laid low. I told my boss I was taking the day off to fill in for her and then last night...my oldest son comes down the hall doing a damned fine rendition of Linda Blair from the Exorcist. My God it was everywhere. I spent the better part of an hour cleaning it all up, and the rest of the night doing laundry just to try and get the smell of sick out of my house...I failed.

My oldest child, my daughter, gets up this morning and starts playing Old Faithful.

Sonofa...

As I write this I am the only breathing body in my house not down with this flu. (knocks on wood) Oh did I mention, the doctors tell us that the flu that is going around wasn't covered by the flu shots this year? Yeah...God hates me.

The wait to see a pediatrician is over 4 hours. People are getting really angry at their doctors when they spend a day waiting to see them only to be told, "It's a virus. Nothing we can do. Here's some stuff to help with the vomiting. Go home, drink fluids and pay the cashier on your way out. Oh, by the way, you could have just called and saved yourself half a day. Get well soon."

My wife, God love her calls. We avoid the toxic wastelands that are doctor's waiting rooms whenever we can.

The ERs here are cranking trough like 400 people a day because the clinics are all full to overflowing.

I really want to just dig myself a really deep hole. Crawl in it and pull the dirt in after me. Just gonna lie low until spring.

Tole