Once upon a time a friend in law enforcement told me, “the
jails are full of stupid people because we seldom catch the smart ones.”
On the way to work this morning, my wife and I were
discussing something related to that observation, and I detailed how certain
tweaks could be made to different crimes to make them harder to stop.
She then tells me that my son and I both would make great detectives
because we both have brains that are just plain devious and understand the
criminal mind. Something along the lines of the character Dexter who was great
at finding serial killers because he, himself, was a serial killer.
I said yeah, most people really have no idea what goes on
behind my eyes because I hide it behind a façade of mirth and kindness.
I say all of this to tell this story. I have a long history
of despising junk mail. It’s pointless and costs me time and makes crap in the
landfill. Back in the 90’s I adopted a practice for handling junk mail, and I
do it to this day. It’s cathartic; it puts a smile in my twisted little heart;
and it has made me giggle every time I’ve
done it for over 20 years.
This is the deal. One of the pieces will inevitably have a
business return envelope in it. That is the key part of this equation. Take it
and set it aside.
Go through all of the junk mail and black out all of the
offer codes, personal information, and the little hashed bar by your name and
address on everything that has it.
Once you’re happy that’s done. Fold and stuff everything you
can into the return envelope. It doesn’t matter if it is the mail sent by that company
or not. Just stuff it all in there; tape the envelope shut; and drop it in the
mail. The offending company gets charged for the postage, and they get to
dispose of your junk mail for you. Since most national companies have mandatory
recycling programs you know that the paper isn’t going in a landfill. The best
part is it’s all on their dime.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I get WAY
more stuff than will fit in one envelope.”
Never fear. Those envelopes are usually good for up to 75
pounds and can be taped to a box. I have shipped boxes of shredded paper, cut
up cardboard, and even some old shoes.
It’s really a lot of fun and costs me nothing but some time.
Oh and I do write “No Thanks” on the actual offer slip and even occasionally
add a smiley face.
I’m not completely evil.
Tole
2 comments:
LOL, I usually send somebody ELSEs spam back. Confusion is good... :-D
Had a long, not-pleasant chat with a local postmaster once upon a time. For our purposes, IIRC, we care about two kinds of return mail: Postage Reply Mail and Postage Reply Label. The thrice-darned junk mail's envelope is PRM; it's good for a few ounces. A PRL is good for big-ass heavy boxes. My employer had given me mailing labels to use for returning big-ass heavy company boxes but had mistakenly used the PRM version. Meaning I had inadvertently been committing fraud for years. I pointed out it had taken the USPS years to catch on and their detection system wasn't very competent. I dunno why he got irritated with me. So, if the junk mail's return envelope is PRM, you're good to stuff it and chortle. If it's PRL, slap it on a brick or a box of rocks and guffaw.
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