Friday, August 31, 2007

The Man Code

A friend of mine forwarded this to me the other day. While it is meant as a joke, I found it kinda of amazing how many of these my friends and I put into pracice without ever having written them down.

Tole


1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

3. When questioned by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “BULLSHIT!” (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem - You didn’t see nothin’.

15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.

16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.

17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.

20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

22. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin’, then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”

29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.

31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.

32. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.

37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

42. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.

46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it’s free.

47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.

48. If you jiggle more than twice, you’re playing with it.

49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.

3 comments:

Murphy said...

Outstanding!

Reminds me of those 'Man Law' Comercials.

Jenna said...

I've always had a sneaking belief those were the rules you fellows live by. I showed this to my da and my husband and they agreed with all but a caveat to Rule #21.

One other time genital kicks are allowed AND encouraged. If you have found the other man in question attempting anything of violent sexual nature to a women, be she wife, daughter, friend, or stranger... AFTER the ass-whupping, crunch him good so you know he isn't going to try it on another women when you aren't around.

Can you tell why I think I'm a pretty lucky lady?

Tolewyn said...

Dead bang. I think your men folks have the right of it. Although, I may have to strongly resist the urge to do more than give his giggly bit a sound mashing.